My last blog post was exactly 228 days ago. I’ve refrained from blogging for this long because I have nothing positive to blog about, and I simply don’t want to blog complaining about my life. My old blog posts were fueled by inspiration for life, which I haven’t felt in a long time.
This year has been really stressful for me and really really hard. I miss my family, I miss my routine, I miss my friends from home. I have but one true friend here who I can trust, who is truly a friend.
The last few weeks in particular have been pushing me to my limits. I have been put out of work for a month, leaving me searching corners for pennies for the first time in my life. I struggle every day to get out of bed, I have nothing to look forward to. I am stressing everyday about so much shit. I can’t be here anymore, but I can’t leave my partner behind, he is my rock. We are trying so hard to work towards a better future for ourselves but everytime we take one step forward, we’re pushed three steps back.
In the last few weeks I’ve gotten into a routine of sleeping from about 3am to 10am everyday. I know this isn’t healthy. At night I have too much to think about, during the day I have nothing to get up for. A day isn’t complete until I’ve broken down into my partners arms. I have no motivation. No work, no money. Not a good combination.
Yesterday I got news that literally made me feel as if I dropped 50 kilos at once. Everything was aligned finally, home, work, visa shit. I thought I had gotten into a routine of sleeping at 3am, but when I went to bed at 7 to watch tv, I instantly found myself falling asleep. I had nothing to stress over to keep me awake all night. A mere 2 hours later, I awoke because I was too hot. Something told me to take the blankets off and do not check your phone. Don’t do it. I did it. And would you believe it, everything I thought was in place has towered down. What I thought I had finally planned out perfectly, I had a great plan for the rest of the year, has crumbled in the time it took me to take an innocent nap.
It is now 3:36 am and every time I close my eyes tears well up and I have to force myself to not think about anything. But damn is it hard. I am being pushed to my absolute limits, whilst simultaneously doing nothing at all.
I’ve lost friends, I’ve been messed around by so many people, I have become a slave to a corrupt system, I am a hypocrit, I am numb, I try so hard to see a bright light in my future, and I know it’s there. But it’s too far away. I’ve been running a neverending marathon of trying so hard getting nowhere. Plan after plan. Thinking ‘you’ve got this’ only to be pushed down again.
I miss writing, I miss art, I miss expression, I miss feeling. I miss going through a whole day with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I miss waking up and having something to do, something to make, somewhere to go.
I’m losing a part of me every day.
I just can’t do this anymore.